She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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