Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
