I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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