Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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