Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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