Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
