WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
