Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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