hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
