I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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