I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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