every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
