What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
