Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize