Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
