If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
