I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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