I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
