PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
