just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
