Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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