I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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