Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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