your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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