Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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