Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize