She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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