I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize