that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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