apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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