3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
