Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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