don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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