saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
