It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
