I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
