checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
