just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
FUCK WHALES
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize