when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
