You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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