I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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