You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
