I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
