Got a toothbrush?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
