i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
