How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
