No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
