I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
