I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
