My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
