How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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