All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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