What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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