I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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