3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
