You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
