Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
time to smoke my breakfast
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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