Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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