he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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