What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
