Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
