we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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