I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
