My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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