i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
